Letting Go When It’s Toxic

I used to think the hardest part of being a leader was making the right call. Turns out, it’s when you stand by the right call when someone louder makes you doubt yourself.

Those that know me know the work I do outside of being a stylist. This past week I observed a safety violation, reported it, and watched ego try to turn facts into the typical black male “tone” stigma. No names, no theatrics. Just this: I did my job and watched someone do theirs poorly.

What I learned most from this, again, is simple. Toxic doesn’t always look like yelling. Sometimes it shows up as silence, side and behind closed door conversations, and “tone” as a weapon. It’s the meeting you hear about after it’s all said and done. It’s the person who refuses to make eye contact because even the word accountability makes them itch. If you have ever been there, I feel you now more than ever. If you’ve been there, you know that special brand of confusion where you have to ask yourself if you imagined the whole thing. Sadly, you didn’t.

Here is how I moved through it all without losing myself in the noise.

First, I anchored down the facts. What happened, the time, the policies. I didn’t add color. I didn’t dress it up. Facts are to the point, and frankly boring on purpose. Like when someone tries to twist the story into feelings about your delivery.

Second, I held to my standard. I don’t match energy..I set it. If I want my team steady and clear, I stay steady and clear. Doesn’t make my actions and my methodology robotic. I had my moment of irritation, walked it off, talked to those who could guide me through and let myself coast through the dissapointment. I let myself feel it, then documented what mattered and kept working. Professional isn’t being passive. It’s precise.

Third, I paid attention to my mind and body. When the air gets petty, your shoulders tell on you. I know that sounds a little funny, but I’m a little broad shouldered (lol) so it’s noticeable. I took a deep breath, unclenched my jaw, and went outside for a few minutes. Sun on my skin, sound of cars passing by and a sip of coffee. I came back in as myself, not the version their behavior was attempting to pull out of me.

Finally and most importantly, I let that shit go. Not of the standard, not of the truth. I let go of that need to be chosen by space that benefits from my silence. If someone calls your integrity “tone,” they are directly asking you to shrink. No thanks. I can be direct and respectful at the same time. I can be firm without being harsh. I can set the boundary without making a scene. That’s the balance, guys. I’m not auditioning for access to a room or people that confuse cruelty with standards. That’s not my scene, and not a stable place for growth. I’m choosing rooms where mutual respect lives, not based on ego or a badge color.

If you’re dealing with a toxic setup, here’s the baseline. Anchor to the facts, document your moves, state your expectations once and hang on to them. Don’t chase and don’t change. Don’t match the chaos. Protect your name and your body. If they call your clarity a tone problem, that’s a sign, not a sentence.

I don’t need to be chosen by people who benefit from doubt and are clouded by ego. Choose yourself, your work, and the folks who match that energy with accountability. That’s not anger either, that’s alignment.

If that’s where you are too, we’re good. Take a breath, square those shoulders (not like me lol) and step toward the spaces that treat you right. The rest can watch the gate close behind you.

-Rahj